Dr. C:

This is a great question, and one that frequently comes up in my work with couples. The three biggest issues that bring couples into counseling are communication, sex, and finances. Therefore, it is a good idea to get a handle on money issues early in your relationship. 

First, sit down with your partner and have an open discussion about money: What is your relationship with money? For example, are you both Savers? Spenders? A Spender and a Saver? Savers tend to have a positive relationship with money and are able to manage joint and separate accounts without any issues. A saver and a spender tend to have more conflicts about money and how it should be spent. Two spenders tend to have the most conflicts about money and how to manage it. Often, our relationship with money leads back to childhood. It may be worth exploring where your beliefs about money stem from, either on your own, as a couple, or in couples coaching. 

Once you have had these conversations, begin the conversation about a joint account. What issues does this raise for you? Issues of trust? Issues of stability? Where do these issues stem from? After these conversations, open the joint account. Be very clear about what the account will be used for (e.g., monthly expenses such as mortgage/rent payment, utilities, cell phones). You may want to keep the separate accounts to fund your own interests and passions (e.g., new clothes, “girls/guys nights” with friends). Those accounts would be yours to do as you please. 

Additionally, consider establishing an “Emergency Fund (for unexpected expenses like car repairs); a “Fun Fund,” for vacations, more elaborate date nights, and hobbies; and a Long Term Saving account (to fund bigger goals).

In recent years, our community has begun having conversations about establishing generational wealth. It may be a good idea to consult with a financial planner to develop a long-term savings and retirement plan. -ADrC.

Dr. C:

How we respond to conflict often has a deeper meaning. Brainstorm with your fiancé about what is needed by them in that moment. In that moment, they may need to walk away and take a moment to collect their thoughts so that the situation does not escalate. Or maybe they need to do something else. Only they can tell you. 

An effective strategy that I often teach couples I work with is to ask what is needed in that moment: Do you need “Comfort” or a “Solution”? Our response to our partners is often based on what we think they need or what we think would be helpful, but that may not be what they want. As a result, we may be moving into a problem-solving mode (“Solution”) when they just want us to listen (“Comfort”). Couples who utilize this simple strategy report a dramatic decrease in their arguments. 

Friends and family often act as a much-needed “sounding board.” It’s okay for us to turn to them for support, and they can offer their “two cents,” but they need to have clear boundaries. Offering an opinion about your partner’s actions does not give them the right to weigh in on your relationship. Have an open discussion with your fiancé about what you believe is appropriate for them to discuss outside of the relationship and your feelings about other people’s opinions about your relationship issues. A reasonable partner will move to make some adjustments so that it decreases conflict around this issue. -ADrC.

Dr. C:

Since money isn’t an issue and you seem to be willing to compromise, why not have both? One event celebrating your love is fantastic, but two is even better! That way, you can have a small, intimate wedding to satisfy your desires, and they can have a bigger affair that includes everyone they want to share in your joy. 

You can take the lead in planning the intimate wedding, and your partner can take the lead in planning the bigger one. Obviously, each of you should check in with the other during the planning, but this would allow you both to get what you want. Perhaps, the actual ceremony would be at the smaller wedding, followed by an intimate reception, and a larger reception could follow on another day. Or you would have a full-blown second larger wedding. But, again, the choice is up to both of you. 

Successful relationships are built on compromise. If you both can master this concept early in your relationship, you will have less conflict and more relationship satisfaction. Good luck! I will be looking for an invitation to both. :) -ADrC.